i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
