Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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