Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
