ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
