2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
