I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
