You just made me feel so damn special
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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