I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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