Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
