I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
