the condom got lost in my hair
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Randomize
