I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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