How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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