When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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