I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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