hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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