The maid of honor just puked.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize