I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
