Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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