I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
