we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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