Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
