She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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