I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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