I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
