Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
