god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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