Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize