I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize