Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
