Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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