I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
