I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
