i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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