The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
