I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
