You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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