Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
