He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
