drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She announced her abortion via fbk
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
