Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
