We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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