I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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