i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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