I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
