i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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