i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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