I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
