my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
