does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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