she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
