your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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