It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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