PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
