I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
