my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I party with great urgency now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
