And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so that wasnt chicken after all
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
