Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
