two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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