I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
